to be nobody-but-yourself
in a world which is doing
its best, night and day,
to make you everybody
else — means to fight the hardest
battle which any human being can
fight; and never stop fighting.
~ e.e. cummings
This is definitely the hardest assignment so far…i cannot seem to marshall my thoughts coherently…so i apologize in advance…
All my life i have felt “lesser than” just about everyone! and not deserving of… love, respect, approval….Growing up, we were told we were reflections of our parents in the community….and i always felt like i was walking on eggshells…and i never felt like i was getting it right….or quite measured up to their expectations….
i am 64 and my 86-yr-old mother can still make me feel like a worm. I recently visited her and she told me how much prettier i would be if i lost weight….[In her defense, i am heavier than i would like to be…but in MY defense: IT IS NONE OF HER BUSINESS!!!!! It is MY problem…NOT HERS!]
In my mind and in my heart, i KNOW that i am good at things…but have always felt like an imposter…and i have a terrible time at self promotion…who ever heard of a graphic designer without a web site? that would be me. I also have a fairly successful jewelry business (it would be more successful if i promoted it!!!!)…and a web site would be very useful! but every time i sit down to write the “about me” i cannot….I start thinking about how everyone else is better, younger, more experienced….cooler!…etc….
I need to get my mother out of my head! She has been there so very long, that i am not sure how to do it…..she has been incorporated into my sense of self…a big heavy load on my soul….but I am the one who has allowed her to be there! and I am the only one who can get her out! I need to move on…and just be ME!
What freedom it would be to get up in the morning joyfully just ME…and not me weighed down by my family/committee..to feel free to go work in the studio! without feeling guilty!!!!!
I am most myself when creating/making….whether jewelry, graphic art, quilting or flower arranging…color, texture, fabric, design…i can lose myself and all track of time.…
Until i start second guessing my work! I guess i need to remove my critical self from the committee too….
In addition to CST, i have been working thru Julia Cameron’s the Artist’s Way…not far into it…but the writing three pages every morning does help clear my mind…and it has helped to see who my committee is…it also recommends using affirmations…and i am comfortable with believing that creativity is a gift and that by using it, we open ourselves up to more good things…and that i can use my creativity to serve others….Paul Rand said “Everyday life can be enriched by the artist’s touch.” I like that…a lot!