This has not been a lesson you could do in one week and no doubt isn’t meant to either.
I have written screeds in long hand this week, as I too, do the “Morning Pages” and have done so for many years.
What I will quote from these pages is this:
What do I actually” feel “when confronted with ridicule or what I think of as ridicule? I become inarticulate and unable to express my thoughts comprehensively. I do not have a ready tongue.
People will floor me with their words and I am left speechless or inarticulate. Like now, I don’t know what to write even and I long to write something to clarify my thoughts on this Committee . It would be easy to think I don’t HAVE to participate and yet I would like to, not to please Jane or anyone else , but to be able to clarify where I am coming from for myself, to know for myself where my weaknesses and strengths lie. So this is FOR ME and no one else…and is that a problem in itself? Do I not feel worthy? No, that isn’t it, I squirm more at trying…..and here again, I find myselfnot writing spontaneously but for an audience.
So how would I write for me? What do I squirm at? … not knowing the answer but feeling that I ought to know the answer, should know the answer, must know, but am unwilling to look at it.
However, do I know the question first of all ? Is this about the Committee at all for me?