Sandy G.

STUMBLING BLOCKS TO BUILDING STAMINA & HOW TO OVERCOME THEM

After re-reading this and giving it much thought, I have decided to submit this that I first wrote for the previous CST. What I have updated this time is Not written in italics. These add ons were due to responses and/or comments from family and friends.

People on my Committee: 

 Chairman:     Mother

 Members:      Me

                       Midge 

                     The Fashion Designer

Choosing members was really difficult.  Choosing the Chairman was NOT difficult because she has been the root of my insecurities through out my whole life.

Why is my mother listed as chairman? 1.  Emotional and mental abuse, not physical, from the time I can remember.  I remember very little praise or genuine praise becausethe negative comments overshadowedthem. She was good at dishing out criticism.  This continued throughout my adult life mostly through letters until I requested that ALL of her letters and knowledge of them were to be kept from me so I would not have to read them nor knew they had arrived.  Boy howdy, that was a relief.  2.  She became an alcoholic when I was young.  However at that time, one was called a heavy drinker so I never really understood about alcoholism until my adult life when I hit Burn Outin a job that I was totally in love with, but not my husband.  And when she drank, she would say mean things to me, like the “why could you not have not done that better or quicker, or…….. “go away; you bother me; I don’t want you or love you, the dogs know me and love me more than anyone else.” It hurt but I thought “well I do not like you either” and so on.

So I became very adapt at reading people’s faces to see what they were thinking. This helped me to become invisibleto other adults in order to help keep peace and biting my tongue (it is a wonder I still have a tongue) or forestall an argument.To this day, I, unfortunately, still am very good at it.

{Actually, I later learned that people like mother were called “a dry drunk” because she was basically the same all the time, drinking or not drinking, so I do not remember any good times.}

Me:  Am I a member of this committee because Iremember setting high standards for me and only for me, especially in things I love to do, whether it was ironing, coloring, drawing, painting, making my bed, sewing with a needle and scraps of cloth because I would lose myself in them. (Whew that was a long sentence). Now it was a whole different ball game when it was something I did not like doing or just did not want to do.  This rebellious child did pay for these indiscretions.

{I have since learned that these traits are of a person with ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder.  It is a blessing and a curse, not always in that order. Also what I have learned, is that it is extremely easy to become overwhelmed when thoughts (of creativeness) are like a whirlwind in your head.

Midge: a very close friend of my parents who was an excellent seamstressand had worked for Singer for many, many years.  By high school I had become a very good seamstress, designing and sewing my own clothes without patterns, but I was in awe of what she herself made.  She offered to help me and I jumped at this chance.  I also made it very clear to her that I wanted to learn correctly and would redo anything she toldme to.  Only one time do I remember having to correct something three times but I preserved.

The only patterns I used were Vogue patterns.  After I married I decided it was time to put all the things I had learned into one project.  The outcome was a fully tailored suit, fully lined, bound buttonholes, and covered buttons. I am still proud of that suit but still do not like covered buttons.

The Fashion Designer:  In high school I had this notion that I wanted to be a fashion designer, so much so, that this shy girl became brave and approached a fashion designer and ask if there were some small things I could do for her, mostly to learn but also to earn a little bit of money.  She was not the most approachable person but she did agree and I was elated but not for long.  Nothing I did wasup to her standards which I understood because most of my life I had set high standards for myself. But I did not improve very much, rather it was from fright of her comments or I just was not good enough or she really did not want to pay me.  After I quit, because of school work (that is what I told her) it took her a month and 4 times of me knocking on her door to pay me.

An update:  Surprisingly, a few months after writing this, I realized thoughts of my mother just were not in my sub-conscious anymore. I have begun taking small steps by starting and finishing small knitting projects, like baby clothes.  Most finish quickly and hopefully I can sell them.  I pulled my old rigid heddle loom out of the box and decided I was going to start weaving again. Sure enough, I then learned of a Facebook Weave Along that begins Nov.  My yarn should arrive tomorrow.  The next exciting thing is I will be going to India for 5 weeks in February. In 4 of those weeks we will be dyeing, stamping, batik, weaving)  I will be posting the information in both CST’s FB Timeline. The sign-up deadline is 30 November.