Anita M.

Gosh this is one to make me think and delve deep into myself. Lots of displacement actives have taken place before actually sitting in front of my computer to start!

My committee is me! It is my voice I hear, the comments that pop up are not attributed to any one. 

So that started me thinking I didn’t arrive in the world look around me and think….well as soon as I get the hang of holding my head up and walking…. I’ll start by cleaning the floor then everyone will be pleased!

So I reckon my committee has been learnt by absorbed subliminal messages from folk I’ve met along my journey.

My mother never has followed her dream…

Mum took on the wife & mother at home roll…..which I now think she found stifling. Little events that took place….going into London by bus one very cold January, she must have saved up ages to get the fare. With a flask of hot tomato soup and us kids, we sat in St. James park and watched the ducks land and slide for ever on the frozen lake and skid all over the place trying to take off….it’s one of the funniest and exciting events I remember. 

But, I also now know how desperate she must have been for change…..much later in life she took up drawing and painting, such a talent that could have travelled further…..I think a bohemian life style would have suited her well!

My father was never still, always working, fixing, making, providing, as well as loving and playing with us, when he had the time and energy left.

Having now inherited some of his engineering books from his RAF days. they are stunning, beautiful technical drawings of screws, pistons etc. Did he ever really achieve his full potential, his desire?

l can see now I have taken on those traits, family, work first; make sure every one is OK first.  I also picked up from dad that I can do anything, fix anything, make anything but it should relate to the first criteria, or is that me, my self imposed rules?

For some reason I’m now sitting with tears streaming down my face.

These folk were/are into their 90’s, from a completely different social structure, where self didn’t enter into it, life was harder. 

So that’s two strong re enforcement for me, others first, should I choose to accept the mission…which I have fully taken on board.

I had a grandmother for whom everything had to be done as quickly as possible, she could knit me a cardigan in 2 days! while still doing everything else. A grandfather who was the life and soul of any social gathering..both had victorian values (that’s the era they were born in after all)

I had some amazing teachers, but one, in primary school managed to crush any self confidence I had, out of me…unfortunately I had her for two years…do teachers ever really realise the influence/power they have over children? 

Why didn’t I let the amazing teachers, who I had later, dominated like odd my primary school teacher?

Having difficulty in hearing and possible dyslexia, neither which were recognised or addressed, didn’t do a lot for my self confidence either.

So where does all this leave me now…..?

I have a husband who definitely has/is followinghis dream….our business is built on it…I have toddled along quite happily…though I can see now it is not my dream. Family and house have to come first. After all, making stuff, drawing etc doesn’t bring in money, it’s for pleasure when other tasks are completed.

He often says I must make sure I do what I want to….but I always feel yes, you mean after I have completed all the other things. He is surprised when I say that…but I still end up cooking the supper. Do I ask for help, no, my rule says people should notice what needs doing and offer!

Self imposed limits learnt through life and my own interpretations, often not questioned, but taken on and then built on even further, have lead to feeling out of step with life.

Starting…( is everything else done) and finishing projects (gosh must stop to do….) are the boundaries my thoughts put on me. The next thoughts are…well is it useful…could it be sold…will anyone like it ( hence the desire to sell…thoughI have never sold any thing I’ve ever made or even tried to) so perfection is needed straight away and that could lead to success or failure, best to stay fiddling on the edge so I don’t have to take responsibility.

I’ve never really been/felt part of a tribe, or particularly needed to, but still have a need to be accept….. by some of them!

I’m gradually learning not to be upset by unthoughtful words, that it’s a choice to take offence or be upset…..words said often say more about the other person than the person the words are directed at….So to add to my learning will be allowing myself time or even just acknowledging that I’m am doing a displacement task…….rather than exploring an idea…if I get as far as the table then to enjoy being there for it’s own sake and enlightenment, that it doesn’t actually have to mean anything or be a master piece…not to seek external praise….it’s not easy being human! 

Having said all that, can I stumble straight away? ……is this piece too long and I have strayed from the task or even addressed the task!!!!