Theresa F.

Initial response:

Rules - I do have a lot of them - one rule is to make my bed every morning (in reality very straightforward with doona's etc) this is a good rule, for me as it helps to start the day.  Sometimes very occasionally the bed does not get made.......this for me is a signal that today is not my day......I see it as the universe telling to stay home ,  best for me and the rest of the world if I stay home and step off 'life' for a few hours.  I have learnt not too push through this...the days when I did never ever ended well... for me or others.

Another rule - not helpful - that is incredibly, strictly, relentlessly applied to my creative life....I can only make 'useful, practical things'.  In my imaginings and play ...most often if I cant think of a useful, practical application of the 'thing'....I give up.  For a long time, I could channel the creativity into sewing and making clothes...and I still do this...I enjoy but its not the right thing for 'this drive, this need to create'. 

Looking 'behind' my rules - they are scaffolding and very much shape my life (my reality)  in useful, beneficial and its now also dawning that also unhelpful ways.  I'm wondering what comes first ...the rule or reality (which a rule in theory should reflect).  One rule is my commute to work - out the door by 6am to get 6.17 train.  I could catch a later train - my employment situation have 'flexible hours' but I am morning person.  My best 'work' gets done in the first half of the day.  My life Monday to Friday is dominated by this rule......

Further Response:

After listening to Jane's intro and re reading the essay a couple of times:  I really like the idea of 'engaging' my rebel to 'defend' my energy for the studio.  I recognise the archetype - the rebel is a recognisable part of me - I was a 'punk' in earlier years...mohawks, peircings etc...some of my adult children's favorite pictures of me come from this part of my life. I also recognise how she works in my professional life -in  performance feedback often get - intelligent, professional and high quality work ... and also 'innovative thinker' - which is really code for 'your not with the program'...my development needs are usually framed as 'increased awareness/understanding of organisational culture'.   She is definitely there ....and yet her energy is rarely applied to my creative life.

I dont have a big social life -so loads of commitments are not an issue for me.  I have a small group of awesome friends - when we spend time together its 'quality'.  I have a small family and adult children - similar -not loads of commitments and the ones I do have I cherish.

My biggest 'battlefront' is my professional life (and the source of my income) - it can swamp my time.  I am very fortunate to have great conditions of employment and I do have access top options to reduce my hours and even reduce my role ...'a step down' in responsibilities......AND YET I DON'T.............I'M SCARED.... to let my professional identity go - cause if I'm not that ...what am I ...I am hugely invested in that professional life.  If I remove the rose colored glasses about my professional role ...-despite many many positives.......it is not a source of joy.  I feels pathetic to acknowledge that.....I am so privileged in this way.... yep I can feel the guilt and shame rising now.....

My rebel very clearly questions any 'status quo' ....if there is one I will challenge it......as we say in Australia - I can and do at times 'really piss people off'.. Its time to I 'really piss myself off' and start challenging my 'status quo'.  I'm ready (scaredy cat ready) to have my rebel give me a hard time about some of my entrenched ideas about what is the best use of my time and energy.  Challenge the 'auto-pilot' professional life I have adopted......I'm not liking this...... I can feel the inner tension rising...........this is good.