Pam L.

A lot of turmoil, sadness, but increasing clarity - as this guidance and interactive community comes to a close.  This has been a very intense, personal growth experience for me, that somehow became available at the right time, as these things happen. And it's very hard to write this stuff down.  To step out - To look it in the face!!

I turned 60 this weekend, and I am very clear from here forward, that I want to FIND the freedom to pursue my artwork, my music, my health, my communities of friends and colleagues. It's coming soon; I can feel it; I guess that's the frustration and turmoil of the moment at this precipice. (!). And I am an Aries; I don't "wait" very well.

With regard to my work: the final "tool" from Jane's essay resonates:

"Working with your story so it serves you internally (how you see yourself) as well as externally (what you share with others)."

And From Starhawk poem:

"All of our activities should be influenced by the pleasure principle.  We have not come into the world to suffer, or to inflict suffering." (Ah. Caregivers and abuse survivors SO struggle with that one... Putting one's own oxygen mask on first...)

Oh yes.  So, here we go...

HOW:

ARTWORK:

-- re-learn how to manipulate my (nature and other) photographs to abstract them, to find a way to use those- along with the emotions that come out, in fiber and/or painting.  I have any number of iPad apps available to me right now, to do so. I can do this anywhere I can sit down.  I don't need wifi to create on a digital device! 

-- create more base fabric to use as "canvas". This can be done in the evenings when my brain has gone to sleep.

-- obtain a used overhead projector. ? Will projecting the my drawings or paintings larger help me? Or not.

-- Draw everyday, keep sketching, in order to allow! Myself to "see", to stay open to the moment of what's there. Get back the "free" style of drawing that I found last summer.

-- Paint Larger, paint smaller; just paint, and learn more.  Use the many mono prints, or not. Play.

--make more paper/silk "textiles", make mistakes.  Stitch on these and see if I can change it up. Maybe it won't work. Maybe that's ok.

--make stuff.. Every day, to self-soothe and to stay stable;keep the passion! At the forefront (eg don't allow others to bury it).  To find the pleasure in it!! Which leads to the next thing, and the next and the next.

-- Watercolor and collage class at Arrowmont in July. My 60th present to myself.  For a getaway but primarily to learn using different tools of self-expression, to get out "what's in there."

LIFE:

-- do I stop working right now as a contract therapist while I am caregiving? To go for it?

Let go of the meager income and just live in the moment and smile? I guess we'll see!  Rebel - come out, come out!

-- keep looking for a teaching outlet (knitting and crochet).

-- keep building the community of friends and colleagues around me for support. Tell them OUT LOUD how much their support means to me right now.

-- know that I have the resilience to keep going, that I can and should stand up for myself, and NOT put my own needs at the bottom of the priority list.